Waking Up

It is 6:15 am on a cold, cold Saturday.  Audrey wakes me up, asking for cereal and a cartoon.  We quietly plop ourselves down on the couch and bury ourselves under blankets and pillows.  I turn the heat-up, and Audrey happily munches on her cereal while we watch a show.  What a great way to start the weekend!  A run is on the board for later today, but I am content to sip coffee, snuggle on the couch, and watch the chill outside do its best to penetrate our fortresses of warmth.

It is that time of year where we are still firmly entrenched in winter's grips, but are close enough to spring that we can begin to hope for warmer days in the near future.  The streets have started to melt snow, but our sidewalks and yards remain a solid sheet of snow and ice.  The sun rays stretch across our kitchen and reach us on the couch, but they can't convince us to leave our mounds of blankets just yet.

Waking-up on a cold, bright Saturday makes me look forward to the day.  It is nice to think that in the near future there will be longer dog walks, bike rides, running, and playing outdoors.  While the winter is beautiful and gives us a lot of time indoors together, being able to move outside and enjoy the area we live in is eagerly anticipated.  Looking out onto the frozen land with a hot cup of coffee brings me a feeling of serenity and calm.  While we are still kept indoors by the subzero temps, endless possibilities surround us here:  toys, games, movies, books, baking...things that rarely get our attention when outdoor options are available.

Taking time, though, to just curl-up with a book and a cup of coffee while my children play is perfect for a cold morning.  The rest of the day can wait.  For now, we are all just waking up.

-a

Planning

Sometimes we watch the clock, count the seconds, wish the hours away.  We sit, staring at our screen, glancing at our watch, and wondering what time it is.  We are almost to Friday, yet it seems like this has been a long week.  There are no major plans this weekend other than to clean a bit, relax, and maybe get some reading done.

I constantly say that no plans are often the best plans. Leaving some time open can lead to the best experiences. On a weekend without major activity, I may catch-up on sleep, or run myself ragged on long runs or exercising.  I may wake-up at midnight and watch a movie in the very early morning hours.  Maybe a book that has been waiting patiently for some of my time will finally have its pages thumbed-through.

There are things in this life that demand we plan for them.  A lot of our energy and waking time is spent thinking about, fixating about, and laying way for those plans.  Now it is the end of the weekend, and I look back thinking about how nice it was to not have any plans at all and just let things happen.  I didn't get around to a movie, but I did finish a book and start another one.  We made an attempt at visiting the Field and Science and Industry Museums, but couldn't find parking.  What a strange thing, in such a huge city, to not be able to find a place to park.

Now it is dark out, and the kids are in bed.  The thoughts of tomorrow are creeping into my mind, but I push them away, not ready yet to dive into tomorrow, holding back the inevitable.  It's that same feeling I get just before jumping off a diving board...a dread, a feeling of overwhelming, a voice in my mind saying "Don't!".  Then I jump, and let go, and trust that things will be OK.  I leave my feet, and allow the air to take over, and try and enjoy the sensation of flying, and falling, and it is that knowing that I really have no control anymore that brings me the most calm.

Knowing that I have done everything I can to be a better person, making all of the plans I could think of, doing my best to follow protocol, and seeing things through to the end....all plans and planning, and now I am letting life happen.  What is that saying about the best laid plans?  I try not to look too far ahead into the future, afraid that I will miss something right in front of me that will lead to new experiences.  Also, I have begun to notice that the further I look into the future, the more befuddled I become.  The edges and ideas in my thoughts are not as clear the further down the line I look.  Like a train track, at some point I lose my own plans on the horizon if I try to see them that far away.  So tonight, I have decided to just jump and fall in thought and not think about tomorrow until it is here.  I can feel the stress and tension of tomorrow ease its grasp on my mind, and my muscles relax and I look at my reading selection for this evening.

Don't get me wrong, plans are a good thing...in moderation, I think.  There are times, like tonight, where we just need to jump and let the larger powers that be take over and pull us in the direction we are intended to go, whether we have planned to go that way or not.  Soon I will splash into tomorrow, refreshed and ready to explore my surroundings with zest and a renewed sense of purpose and direction.

Like after every fall, I swim back up to the surface, take a deep breath, and smile...glad that I took the leap, even if it is not one I had ever intended to take.

-a

New Shoes

The weekend is upon us.  We are not traveling at all, just taking a few days at home.  It is snowing outside, and fresh chocolate chip cookies are cooling in the kitchen.  The girls are watching a final show before bed.  We are all sprawled out on the couch, feeling content and allowing ourselves to slip closer and closer to bedtime.

My legs are still warm from a nice run on the treadmill.  Today I ran in a new pair of shoes my dad bought me a little while ago.  I have been reluctant to switch over to my new shoes because I am so attached to my old pair.  Even though they are the same brand and model, I have really enjoyed running in my old pair of shoes, and we have been through hundreds of miles together.  Five half marathons and all the training in between....they truly felt like another layer of my body.  I finally made the switch this weekend, when my knees started to hurt a little even after short runs.  It was a sure sign that it was time to make the update.  

Audrey playing with her robotic raptor, Fossil.  It walks around on its own and bites stuff.  Oye.

We all have things like this in our lives:  A pair of jeans hanging by a thread, a beat-up teddy bear that has seen better days, a blanket tattered with age.  We all cling to dear items that hold a value greater than the price of a newer version.  Even though these things don't work as well as the once did, they instantly give us a sense of remembering our past a little bit clearer.  When we come into contact with our things, we recall glory days, childhood, or people and places that are distant both physically and in memory.

People also hold-on to memories of things that need letting-go.  These memories must be examined and the person needs to take the time to update their perspective on things.  While there is no doubt that our past, in many ways, shapes who we are in the present, it is an essential practice to allow ourselves to let go of things that continue to erode our current state of mind and being.  There are memories and actions that I play over and over again in my mind, and sometimes it impacts my mood and my mental well being.  I need to give myself the chance to create distance and allow for healing.  When I run, I think a lot about my past, and much also about the future.

Violet looking our the window as a train chugs past.  Trains fascinate Violet, and make her happy.

We have been talking a bit about moving to a new house, and Audrey and Violet are excited but also cling to the idea of things changing and not being as happy.  Audrey, especially, is concerned about possibly changing schools and not being able to bring all of her toys and books.  This has lead to a series of conversations about letting things change, but also keeping things most important close.  We have talked about how we have had a lot of great times in our house, and we will continue our traditions and our ways of living in our new home whenever we get there.  We will also bring her favorite books and toys, but it might also be a good opportunity to let go of a lot of things that just take-up space and cause clutter.  I think everyone in our little family have really had a chance to think about how to get rid of things and take a few moments to contemplated what is most important to them, and bring these things with us.  

Audrey turned her room into a classroom!

Here is Miss Audrey and her learning centers!  She is very proud!

So as I plug away on the treadmill in my new shoes, I realize that my feet and knees don't hurt anymore.  Letting go of my old shoes, while tough, was the best choice for me moving forward.  I will always have those memories and miles with my old pair, but in order to be happy and successful as I continue my running, I needed to make a change.  I will carry with me everything I have learned along the way.  I will still think about my past, but try desperately to acknowledge my faults and learn from them as I build my future rather than allow them to continue to be a barb jabbing me with each step forward.  Our past makes us who we are, but does not determine who we will be.

-a