Planning

Sometimes we watch the clock, count the seconds, wish the hours away.  We sit, staring at our screen, glancing at our watch, and wondering what time it is.  We are almost to Friday, yet it seems like this has been a long week.  There are no major plans this weekend other than to clean a bit, relax, and maybe get some reading done.

I constantly say that no plans are often the best plans. Leaving some time open can lead to the best experiences. On a weekend without major activity, I may catch-up on sleep, or run myself ragged on long runs or exercising.  I may wake-up at midnight and watch a movie in the very early morning hours.  Maybe a book that has been waiting patiently for some of my time will finally have its pages thumbed-through.

There are things in this life that demand we plan for them.  A lot of our energy and waking time is spent thinking about, fixating about, and laying way for those plans.  Now it is the end of the weekend, and I look back thinking about how nice it was to not have any plans at all and just let things happen.  I didn't get around to a movie, but I did finish a book and start another one.  We made an attempt at visiting the Field and Science and Industry Museums, but couldn't find parking.  What a strange thing, in such a huge city, to not be able to find a place to park.

Now it is dark out, and the kids are in bed.  The thoughts of tomorrow are creeping into my mind, but I push them away, not ready yet to dive into tomorrow, holding back the inevitable.  It's that same feeling I get just before jumping off a diving board...a dread, a feeling of overwhelming, a voice in my mind saying "Don't!".  Then I jump, and let go, and trust that things will be OK.  I leave my feet, and allow the air to take over, and try and enjoy the sensation of flying, and falling, and it is that knowing that I really have no control anymore that brings me the most calm.

Knowing that I have done everything I can to be a better person, making all of the plans I could think of, doing my best to follow protocol, and seeing things through to the end....all plans and planning, and now I am letting life happen.  What is that saying about the best laid plans?  I try not to look too far ahead into the future, afraid that I will miss something right in front of me that will lead to new experiences.  Also, I have begun to notice that the further I look into the future, the more befuddled I become.  The edges and ideas in my thoughts are not as clear the further down the line I look.  Like a train track, at some point I lose my own plans on the horizon if I try to see them that far away.  So tonight, I have decided to just jump and fall in thought and not think about tomorrow until it is here.  I can feel the stress and tension of tomorrow ease its grasp on my mind, and my muscles relax and I look at my reading selection for this evening.

Don't get me wrong, plans are a good thing...in moderation, I think.  There are times, like tonight, where we just need to jump and let the larger powers that be take over and pull us in the direction we are intended to go, whether we have planned to go that way or not.  Soon I will splash into tomorrow, refreshed and ready to explore my surroundings with zest and a renewed sense of purpose and direction.

Like after every fall, I swim back up to the surface, take a deep breath, and smile...glad that I took the leap, even if it is not one I had ever intended to take.

-a